I’ve been listening to the discussion about remaking Major League Baseball. Some say the game moves too slowly, that the games are too long and lack some of the glitz and hits of other sports.
Admittedly I’m not a sports fan. However, I do like sports. I simply don’t follow any team or any particular sport closely. It’s just not my “thing”. As a kid, we were Braves fans. I grew up in the Hammerin’ Hank era and loved to follow good ole number 44. I wore out my felt Braves hat back in the ‘70’s. It was of the style Aaron wore when he belted that famous number 715. He touched more than just the bases with that one. Many a night I would return from work from my summer jobs as a teen to find my dad in his recliner watching America’s team. I would plop down with him as well. But by that point, it wasn’t about the game. It was about time with my dad knowing that all too soon life would pull me away from such conversations and time itself would make resuming them impossible.
It is with these qualifications that I make my suggestions for “improving” Major League Baseball. I put “improving” in quotes because I really don’t think there needs to be any improvement. Rather let’s call them accommodations made to appease the current culture would be more accurate. While not an expert, I figure if folks who go on radio, TV, and social media with their opinions on vastly more complicated subjects based solely on the talking points provided by whichever side they support, then I might be overly qualified for what follows.
Virtual pitching-Using a pitching machine instead of a pitcher would certainly cut down on all those shoulder surgeries. The machine would be controlled via wireless remote by the defense. There would be full pitch selection. Teams could even design their own pitches and upload them to the machine.
Hot Hitters rule-Since folks say they want more action (i.e. hits and homeruns), a “hot hitter” take a team’s entire at bat during an inning. Designated runners will handle traveling the bases. As an option, a hologram of the hitter could be used to run the bases. A computer programmed a player’s history would accurately guess what the player would do in a running situation. This could answer the complaint by some that baseball pushes team over stand-out players unlike the NBA or NFL.
Social Media officiating-When there is a close call at the plate, a replay will be shown on the matrix in the stadium. Spectators will have one minute to vote via Twitter or text message on whether the player is “safe” or “out”.
Tie Breaker-No worry about games going longer than regulation with this one. In the case of a tie at the end of nine innings, each team selects one player to represent them in a “Dizzy Izzy” run of the bases. For those not familiar with Dizzy Izzy, you hold a bat perpendicular to the ground. You place your forehead on the top of the bat and run around the bat ten times. Then you have to run the bases without falling or going outside the lines. The one who does it the fastest or gets the farthest without falling wins. Tie settled. Teams might want to draft a designated drinker. That is someone on the team who enjoys an adult beverage more often than they should, since that person would probably be best suited for running bases while suffering from a disturbed equilibrium.
Run Race-Similar to what NASCAR does with their points race. The team from each league with the most runs over the season is in the World Series. Tie? See the previous rule.
Ad-Smart uniforms-These uniforms would have a small patch on the sleeve, across the back under the player’s name, and one on the back of the cap. These would be chroma key patches that would allow advertisements to be superimposed on the uniform for the benefit of the matrix board and TV audience. Using this special patch would allow teams to sell sponsorships that could be specific to the player, inning, or particular game. Here again, another winning idea from NASCAR. MLB and players would split the money using a formula determined by a best two-out-of-three Rock, Paper, Scissor tournament.
For those upset by these suggestions, please note that it’s my tongue firmly planted between my cheek and gum and not a chaw. PLAY BALL!
