If you ever wonder what it was like to be in kindergarten, book a flight on any airline. The memories will come flooding back.
Getting dropped off at the airport door is very much like being in the carpool. You wait as the cars inch forward discharging their passengers. You nervously check to see that you have your homework…uh boarding pass…and your book bag…I mean luggage. After you walk in the door, the nice teacher helps you with your book bag making sure that it gets to your classroom cubby. Then it’s off to show-and-tell better known as the T.S.A. line.
“Oh my Billy, what a nice picture. And you’re smiling. You must have been having fun at the DMV when they took that one! Now let’s see what you brought us today….mmmm….a laptop….a cell phone…a book, oh I didn’t know you could read! How grown up you are. Oh my what a nice belt it looks so your shoes there in the bin.”
Then it’s time for a little learning. Can you repack your carry-on bag properly? Do you know how to zip it up without pinching your fingers? Do you know which feet your shoes go on and can you tie them without the teacher’s help? That’s right the rabbit goes around the tree and into the hole. Good job!
Recess comes next as you get some exercise walking to your gate…which is always at the other end of the terminal. Of course after recess, you have to line up. Way back in the day we numbered-off with even numbers in one line and odd numbers in the other. Now it’s First Class, Zone 1,2, and 3. And just like kindergarten, some people can’t follow instructions.
“Sir you can only bring on two pieces. One for under the seat and one for the overhead bin. A backpack, computer bag, and small suitcase won’t work. I’m sorry you’ll have to check one of these bags.” Then it’s tantrum time followed by some severe pouting at 30-thousand feet.
While we’re on the subject, wouldn’t it make more sense to load passengers sitting the back of the plane first? That way they could store their stuff and sit down without holding up the line. Then we unload from the front first upon arrival. Too logical? Sorry my bad.
Now it’s time to learn some basic physics. You see the guy put the big bag in the overhead bin and try unsuccessfully to close the door. So he takes it out and turns it around 180 degrees thinking that putting it in handle first as opposed to wheels first suddenly changes the size of the bag. Sir it does not and still you are trying to make it so while blocking the other kids from getting to their seats and learning the same cruel lesson. Ah youth!
One way to remedy this situation would be to allow the flight attendant to take any bags that are too big for the bin and toss them onto the tarmac.
“Don’t worry sir. You can pick a bag off the tarmac at our destination. Trust me there’ll be plenty.” I’m thinking that would cure the problem rather quickly. I’ll bet there are plenty of folks—airline staff and passengers—who agree.
Of course we have to elect a hall monitor before we can embark on our journey. Those are the folks who are sitting near the emergency exits. They are asked if they would be willing to open the door “if the need arises” which is airline speak for “crash landing”. Usually they meekly nod “yes”. If it were me the response would be “Damn straight” because if the need arises, “this ain’t no party…this ain’t no disco…this ain’t no foolin’ around” and I’ll be using the passenger next to me as a flotation device should the need involve a water landing. Such a response is probably the reason I was never elected hall monitor. For their service, the hall monitors are rewarded with plenty of legroom and the privilege of being a doormat “if the need arises”. Face it, the people behind them aren’t going to wait for the door to be opened. They’ll just charge ahead.
Finally you’re at 30-thousand feet and it’s cracker and juice time. Or should I say “peanuts and pop”. Just like in kindergarten it quiets folks down and distracts them from complaining about their extra bag being left behind on the tarmac. Unlike kindergarten, however, there are more choices. Water, soda, and alcohol. That last one wasn’t a choice back in “the day”, but I’m sure some of our teachers wished it were.
“M ‘am what would you like to drink?”
“Vodka.”
“What would you like as your mixer?”
“Ice.”
Such a conversation is an indication to the flight attendant that it’s going to be bumpy ride.
Come to think of it, airline passengers aren’t like kindergarteners. After a couple of tries, kindergarteners realize a square peg won’t fit into a round hole. They learn quickly that you can’t carry everything with you all the time. They understand that they won’t get crackers and juice if they don’t get into their proper lines and sit in their assigned seats.
Robert Fulghum once wrote a book entitled “All I Really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten”. I think the line “and Promptly Forgot When I Bought an Airline Ticket” should be added.
