Do not get behind me in the grocery store checkout line. I tell you this for your own good. It isn’t because I don’t want to chat with you or that I’m always running back to get some forgotten item that can only be found in the farthest corner of the store. I just don’t want you to grow old watching your ice cream melt.
The truth is that no matter which line I choose, it will always be the slowest one in the store. I have the same problem with picking the Power Ball numbers. No matter which ones I select, they never win. It’s just me and my black cloud for all eternity.
Oh, sure, I’ll check all available lines to assess the situation. I’m not alone in this. I see others do it, too, especially during peak shopping times. Everyone looks like they’re trying out to be scouts for the Lewis and Clark expedition. We’re all trying to find the fastest route to our cars so we can get home and figure out what we forgot to buy. (How could you forget the toilet paper again?! Yes, this has happened to me more than once.)
It is a skill that takes honing, and, apparently, I haven’t mastered it. Do you take the line with several people who are all buying just a few items each? Or, do you get in line behind the family with a cart so full it looks like they are Dooms Day preppers or at least expecting a snow storm.
In the end, it really doesn’t matter. Both will likely take about the same amount of time. Besides shopping isn’t a timed event, even if some seem consider it a sport (full contact at that when it comes to BOGOs).
It would be great, however, if you received a discount by locating and purchasing a certain number of items under a given time. They could post a chart as you enter the store.
10 items in 5 minutes=5% discount
20 items in 10 minutes=10% discount
Store record belongs to Phillis Steen who snagged 37 items in 15 minutes.
It would be like going to a casino, asthe house would always have the advantage since they can rearrange the store at will and the cashiers could always pull a sloth and slow the process. But I digress…as usual.
Back to the advice at hand: do not get in the grocery store checkout line behind me. Despite all the scouting, I will pick the slowest line. Usually, it’s due to a register malfunction or the customer ahead of me or both.
The situation that usually causes the most TSIL (time spent in line) is the Ultimate Coupon Clipper. These are the folks you always read about who end up clipping so many coupons the store owes them money. At least that’s what they always hope will happen but never does despite what the internet may tell you.
Let me be clear. I have nothing against clipping coupons. My mother was an avid clipper, although not to the level of today’s coupon crusader. With her it was usually three or four. These days I always seem to get behind the person who pulls out a photo album filled with this currency called coupons. They open the book and pull out coupons. They show them to the clerk lovingly like they’re sharing photos of their children or their last vacation.
One time I got in line behind someone who appeared to be ready to go. Their groceries were bagged, tagged and in the cart. Great! Now all they have to do is pay and we’re good to….OH NO a coupon photo album! Unfortunately, I only noticed this after unloading a full cart onto the grocery treadmill. Don’t you know you’re supposed to do that before you even start the checkout process?
I think this person had more coupons than items, but I couldn’t be sure and really didn’t care. Just get on with it. Scan them. Give the discount. The real problem here isn’t the coupons. It is waiting until everything is bagged and carted. Now the cashier has to verify that the coupon items were indeed purchased. I’ve always wanted to be part of an archeological dig, but this wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
Someone rolled up behind me. I immediately did the right thing. I blocked them from putting their items on the treadmill and mouthed the words “Run…Save yourself!” Looking over my shoulder at the grocery cart excavation their expression quickly changed from confusion to gratitude. A nod of the head served as a thank-you and they beat a hasty retreat. I felt like a super hero.
The only upside to this experience is the fact that while I wasn’t eligible for the senior discount when I entered the store, I was by the time I checked out. And the wine I purchased for my wife was now well aged and worth far more than the eleven dollars I paid for it. I guess that’s what they mean by “investing your time.”
Epilogue:
As it turns out, the person with checkout-clogging coupons was well paid for their time in line as they saved one hundred dollars thereby cutting that day’s bill in half.
Forget the lottery, I’m going to get a photo album and a pair of scissors. Now, you really do not want to be behind me in the grocery store checkout.
