I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I were a super hero. And all this time you thought there was something of substance going on behind my often-furrowed brow. In contemplating such an important topic, I tumbled across a few questions about some of the comic book world’s better-known inhabitants.
Let’s start with Batman. He’s different from most super heroes. Granted he is a skilled fighter with a body even years at the gym and a Bo Flex at home couldn’t deliver me. But rather than the ability to fly, stick to walls, run at a blinding speed, or put 14 marshmallows in his mouth and still be able to say, “fluffy bunny”, he has no super-natural ability. What he does have is a super-natural amount of cash that allows him to afford cool toys and a drafty cave to park them in.
What happens when an extreme recession hits and the stock market takes a tumble? I’m guessing the Batmobile gets regular instead of high test when it comes time to top the tank. Raising the deductible on his car insurance and dropping full coverage would be wise. As I recall, Gotham has public transit so maybe a Metro card would come in handy. Using LED lighting in the cave could shave some bucks too.
Then there’s the issue of the Bat Signal. Great for dramatic effect, but unless Bruce Wayne is staying up all night staring at the sky, it’s not very effective. And a foggy night would really hamper things.
Superman, on the other hand, has true super powers. Bullets bounce off. He can leap buildings in a single bound. He has X-ray vision and super hearing, both of which would make it hard to sleep. I’m guessing he can dial them down. Otherwise there’s no such thing as closing your eyes unless your eyelids are made of lead.
Another of his super powers apparently is his knowledge of the streets of Metropolis. I know he often uses his super hearing to locate where people are in need, but even when he’s given an address, he knows how to get there without consulting his GPS or bounding into a convenience store to ask for directions. I’m guessing that would never happen even if he was lost. He is Superman and not Superwoman. Given the state of newspapers, perhaps Clark Kent would make a better living as an Uber driver. He’s Superman when he takes off the glasses. He’s Super Uber when he puts them back on. (Actually saying “Super Uber” is redundant as both words mean the same thing, but it is fun to say nonetheless.)
That’s one job Dr. Bruce Banner-aka The Hulk-couldn’t do. Anger triggers the Hulk to appear. One trip through Atlanta during rush hour and it would be smashing time. Then again, if he were your Uber driver, you wouldn’t have to sit in traffic long. Hmmm…maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing…for the passenger that is.
Speaking of the glasses disguise, that would be hard to maintain if you were going to get a passport. You can’t smile or wear glasses in the photo or facial recognition doesn’t work. I can see him getting his photo made at the CVS and someone recognizes him. “Say you’re Superman, aren’t you?” Which would be followed by the clerk asking to take a selfie with him.
I think it would be hard for any superhero to go on vacation and just unplug. Take Spiderman for example. Every time something bad is about to happen, his Spidey sense starts to tingle. That counts out a trip to Vegas. Pretty much the only way he could avoid being bothered by the need to save someone would be to find that island Tom Hanks landed on in “Castaway”.
One more thing. Being a superhero doesn’t exactly pay a salary. Clark Kent, Peter Parker, and Thor all work a day job to cover the bills. Kent is a reporter. Parker is a photographer, and Thor works construction. Makes sense. If anyone knows how to hammer, it’s Thor.
I wonder why any of them hasn’t come up with the idea to market tee shirts, toys, and coffee mugs with the likeness of their alter ego. If I were Peter Parker, I’d be selling gear on the net and in stores. Have Spiderman show up at the trademark office to register his likeness. Then he could assign Peter Parker as the exclusive licensee.
I guess marketing isn’t a super power they possess. Just call me Incredi-Bill.
