I have had a challenging couple of years. I turned 65 this year and my husband will be 70. We thought at this time in our life, the difficult family stuff would be over. But we are finding out what many young Boomers and Gen X behind us are learning. Many of our old parents did well, lived long but really didn’t plan for their future and now we are caregiving and we are happy to do it but it’s so much more than we were prepared to do. Thankfully, we have a great family, prayer network, a caregivers group at my church and contacts with lawyers and others who are experts at this.
Lesson learned? My husband and I are being very proactive—maybe even fatalist—at planning the end of our lives. I know you can’t plan everything, but you can anticipate. We’ve got a 5 year plan and we hope we live long enough to implement it.
Looking back on the recent past, my husband and I are the two people left in our hometown with his parents and his brother. My husband, Lin, has another brother who lives 4 hours away—he would say 3 1/2 cause he’s kind of a “Great Santini” kind of guy, always trying to beat his best time. He and his wife have been godsends to this whole process. They’ve been sounding boards and supportive.
Lin’s mom died in May after a long battle with Alzheimer’s disease and then cancer. Her last three weeks was fast. She was diagnosed on a Wednesday and died three weeks later. I wrote more about her here. Lin’s dad was very ill at the time of her death but is doing well now except related to his mobility and heart health. They were both 92 and had been married 72 years. We are taking care of all his business and have moved him into an assisted living facility and he’s made some friends. He needs help but he’s pretty stable now.
My brother-in-law’s health has been deteriorating. He’s never been married or had kids so he had challenges in providing care. A couple of weeks ago, my husband found him unresponsive and he was immediately taken to the emergency room and admitted to ICU. He remained there for 8 days and without any improvement, we had to make some difficult decisions. I should say, my father in law had to make a difficult decision, but with help and support of my husband who is an internist and from all of us. My brother in law passed away on Wednesday. We will spend the next few months to a year settling his affairs. He had a wonderful roommate who is holding down the fort at his home and giving us a little breathing space as we make decisions.
I tell you all this to just give you a little advice from someone who’s now done this three times. First, discuss with the people you love what you want at the end of life and put it in writing either with a lawyer or in your own handwriting. If you go the legal route, you should also write a letter so the ones you leave behind know your wishes. Seeing something in the person’s handwriting, even if it’s bad like mine, can make a difference and lead to acceptance. Don’t use that letter to settle scores. Hopefully, when they read it, you’ll be in heaven.
Get your finances in as much order as you can and tell people where you keep things. In the letter I have for my family, I included things like how to get into my phone and my laptop and also the people my husband and children should call about things like wills, investments, lawyering and accounting. I update the letter every year or two and it’s a cathartic experience.
Finally, get to know the hospice providers in your community. They are the unsung heroes of the medical profession and if you or someone you love need their services, you want to be able to make the best decision related to you or your loved ones care.
If we live long enough, we will all be a caregiver to someone. The basis of the world’s great religions is some form of the Golden Rule—treat people the way you want to be treated. At the end of life or the beginning or anywhere in between, you can’t go wrong if you do this.
