Thankfully, it is now more than a dozen years in the rear view that I realized a series of poor choices that I was making related to alcohol. Then in the front end of middle age, I was interacting more with beer and booze like an aging frat boy than a father and businessman. The results of some of those bad decisions got my attention in a major way, and I made some not insignificant mid-life, mid-course corrections. In most every way and every day, my life and world are the better for the clarity which came from that sobriety.
As I surveyed the damage some of my choices in those years had caused, I researched and looked to the experts and followed the steps that had helped millions recover their lives and get back fully on a better path. This included a few readings of what is referred to in Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery support organizations as "The Big Book." The most helpful and illuminating chapters for me, which still ring true today, surround the simple fact that it is never too late to begin making good decisions, nor is it too late to begin/attempt to make amends and apologize to those who you hurt with your earlier bad choices.
I began my own personal apology tour with my first born child, who was very gracious in accepting my offerings and me taking responsibility for some hurtful words and actions which caused her pain. Then to other family, close friends and more than I might care to admit prior broken relationships, in which my thinking fueled by alcohol, had been a major contributing factor to those relationships failing. And in all but one case, as I took responsibility for the majority of damage leading to my divorce, and a series of other failed relationships and broken friendships, the amends were accepted, and in most cases those relationships began to heal or rebound, or in a few circumstances rekindle.
My father and I have had a difficult relationship since my own adolescence, I won't go into the particulars, other than to say over the span of decades there has been a lot more head-butting than hugging. When we lost Shirl (a family pet name for Mom), coming up on two years ago, I recommitted to building a stronger bond with Dad, and though there have been bumps along the way, we both made this a focus, and the results have made those efforts worthwhile. It's never too late. Dad is now 85, and until just over two months ago, he was living independently.
An ill-timed medical complication, and fall, overlaid with the AT&T Mobility service outage, with Dad having an AT&T Mobile phone, resulted in a lengthy hospitalization, two significant surgeries, and having survived that, a long period of recovery and convalescence, under the dutiful and watchful care of my sister, Tanya, a skilled Nurse Practitioner, with our father now living with her family for the near to mid-term. Giving her some relief, I spent half a dozen overnights in that ICU with Dad, and since his return 'home,' either a Saturday or Sunday each weekend, from mid-morning to early evening, tending to his needs, assisting with his medications and nutrition, etc…
These longer visits with Dad, when I know he is convalescing, frustrated and somewhat humbled by the dependence he is now experiencing, versus 8 decades of independence, have allowed him to open up, share and even make inquiries of me that have not come since prior to my college years. This past Sunday, he asked me what my current five-year life plan is. Dad knows that I am a 'planner,' but the last time he made a query like this one, I was 21 and just out of college. I had an answer, and I was pleased to see and hear his positive reaction, particularly given apparent lack of interest for the interim two generations.
Amends come in all shapes and sizes... Both parties simply need to want to make them. I'm very fortunate to have this opportunity with Dad, though I wish for him it was under more auspicious circumstances. Make and take the time for the people and family who matter to you. It is always easy to postpone difficult conversations until 'later.' As my own mortality comes more recently into view, later may not always be there. Though as long as you wake up on the 'right side' of the dirt, and you open your eyes under a clear blue sky...it's never too late.
